The Good Day That Sucks

So, today was supposed to be an "easy" day. No invasive procedures, plenty of rest, refill his body with food.

Instead we get more anesthesia, and lots of pain, increased fear, and a Dempsey whose emotional well is running dry with anger thriving.

I am so tired. Spent. Weak. Angry. Helpless. Mad at medical people- and there are MANY here.

Jake says he's doing "okay".

Dempsey has managed to eat yogurt and pizza with a little bit of water. We are praying and hoping that he keeps it down.

Dempsey is in quite a bit of pain. 😖 Our baby is so sick and pain comes with the territory. We are learning that life is going to get way harder and complicated.

Right now Jake and Nurse Jessica are getting Dempsey to take oral meds. He seems to be pretty positive right now despite his pain and fristration. He's talking to the nurse and conversing with her. I am hiding like a coward over in the sleeping section because I am so weak I will hinder the process that NEEDS to happen. I was doing well this morning but that quickly fled when today really got going.

I don't want to be here!! I don't want Dempsey to be here!! They keep telling me this is all normal and that everythivg will be okay. Excellent, children are suffering all over and I'm supposed to be glad that we have THIS cancer? What kind of logic is that? My baby is in pain and I can't help him. I'm supposed to trust dozens of people in scrubs whom I've never met about a condition I've never experienced at a hospital I've never been connected to all while believing they're helping my child.

Jake is being so strong and he's got strength I can't find anymore. He's so good at talking Dempsey through things that are tough when Dempsey cries and resists. Jake is so gentle with Dempsey and can muscle through Dempsey's cries of pain.

Just heard Dempsey argue with Jake and say "Ayeye". I want to help but I can't. I want to rescue but I can't. I want to trust but I can't. I want to believe but I can't. I want to hop but I can't. I want to leave but I can't. I want to stay but I can't. I want to encourage but I can't. I want to cry but I can't. I want to swear but I can't. I want to pray but I can't. I want to sleep but I can't. I want to live but I can't. I want to... BUT I CAN'T!!!!

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