I (Coral) am sitting here thinking. A dangerous thing at present. My baby is asleep in a bed, not his bed, in a room, not his room, in a building that is not his home.
I just want to take him home. I want to absorb this illness from him and let him get back to just being a healthy kid.
There is HOPE that we will not live in this room for the 3+ yrs of treatment. Sherry, the recent night nurse/ hematologist said that he will probably be staying in hospital for a month. A month of a 3+ yr journey seems like such small potatoes... except for the fact that the days are LONG here and full of people interrupting sleep and procedures await. Trying so hard to take it one day at a time while still preparing for a long journey.
I just want to see my baby run again. I want to his real smile again. I want to have immense faith but a mustard seed seems huge right now.
I wonder when I will meet our new family. The family of other 5th floor residents. I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet.
Lord,
We know you designed Dempsey with this journey as part of his life. Help us walk it with him well. I pray for miraculous/ spontaneous healing. I pray, but I doubt. I am still looking to Heaven from my back on the floor because you pulled the rug from beneath me. I resent you for that. I want to be positive and faith-filled but I'm angry at you. I'm trying to bring you glory and believe that you are in this... it's hard. My heart knows you are good and faithful and with us but my mind questions that. You tell us "rain falls on the righteous and unrighteous alike" and right now I find little comfort in that. I want to raise my "righteous" flag and scream like the Pharisees. Help me to be humble and remain teachable. It hurts, God. The refining fire you have me in hurts!! I keep trying to hold on to the image of purified GOLD. I want to be that gold but without the purification process. How human. I want your blessings of joy but not your trials that bring joy into focus. I want, I want, I want... Help me to remember the balance of what I "need". I need to be faithful. I need to trust. I need to lean on you. I need to submit. I need to wash with the Word- so please guide me to the right scriptures. I need to pray and talk to you. I need to be honest, real. Help me be just who and what I'm supposed to be each minute of each hour of each day of each week of each month of each year, etc. Amen
Coral im sorry you and your family are going through this. I just saw your blog. My thoughts and prayers are with you guys 💜 sarah pulliam and family
ReplyDeleteYour honesty. So real. We all want to rescue your family from this. Instead, all we can do is sit with you in it while praying.
ReplyDeleteHurting with and for you...no words....just love.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautifully honest prayer. I read something recently that resonated with me. I'll share it here in case it resonates with you, too.
ReplyDeleteThis life is unquestionably unfair and filed with so much we cannot understand, but the cross is the great equalizer. God suffered horrible injustice, cruelty, humiliation and physical pain through His son on the cross. What He sets before us, He has done Himself. So God really does understand our suffering, and has suffered Himself.
I don't know if it helps, but I thought I'd share just in case.
Praying for you and your family. Tell Dempsey Alexis from church cant wait to play with him again!
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your family. Tell Dempsey Alexis from church cant wait to play with him again!
ReplyDeleteI was pointed to your blog from a few of my friends on Facebook. I am heartbroken reading that your son is walking the same path as our son Luke did 2 years ago. We lived in room 533 at CHOC for 3 months as he battled AML (leukemia). If you ever need to chat with another mom that gets it....feel free to text or call. My name is Chelle and my number is 714-469-5953.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.facebook.com/Lukes-Journey-Through-Leukemia-1404392509780320/
Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful and tender heart. Love you, friend, and sitting with you… <3
ReplyDelete