I never imagined chemo was going to be a blessing.
Can't understand being eager to start chemo as a means to relieve some issue inside my baby.
Coming from a naturopathic background, leaning on those people (a.k.a. modern medicine professionals) is an adjustment. Accepting what the doctors and nurses are telling me is hard. I'm getting better because God is quickly showing me that I am NOT equipped for this journey but others are. Heeding the wisdom of others.
Hearing Dempsey say the following was both a dagger to my heart and a sign of his acclamation "I like my [hospital] bed."
The smell of electrolytes makes me want to vomit.
Just because my baby has leukemia doesn't mean the trials you are facing are less big or traumatic for you.
Be careful what you pray for. ;-) You NEVER know how God will choose to answer your request.
With shock and world-updside-downing, acceptance will come- but not all at once and it may very well retreat. Let it ebb and flow. It's called grief and living.
I'm worried about my marriage. Not that it won't last but that we don't know how to appropriately tend to it and cultivate it right now. We WILL NOT leave Dempsey without one of us for long enough to have a "date". I believe this fact will change once we are no longer living at CHOC.
It's mind-boggling how you can feel EVERYTHING and still be numb.
Being away from CHOC brings me peace. Rest is still being tamed. But it seems like I am better/ stronger when I'm at CHOC for having been away.
I've had the thought, once or twice, about whether or not it's okay to ask God to take my baby so he doesn't have to suffer. I'm human and one whose heart is crushed under the gravity/ weight of the current situation. I quickly remember that this is a temporary sentence. ALL (cancer) is not a life sentence. It's a sentence, to be sure, but Dempsey WILL prevail.
Smart nurses here are telling us that red heads are the toughest. I don't doubt it.
Trying to let Dempsey lead as much as he needs to. Too many questions, even to help him, frustrate him to the point of tears. So, I am learning to tell him "YOU tell me what you want." It helps him. I'm growing.
Working to embrace the abilities and care of staff here to take over when I just cannot go any further. Example: bathing Dempsey. I let nurses and assistants do the tough stuff while I run like a big fat coward to the lobby and make phone calls. The guilt of abandoning him is lessening each time (this was #2) as I get to swoop in and love him post-ordeal.
Praise God for no fever in Dempsey right now and that everything else (rash, infection, blood counts) is stable.
I miss social media for some moments of this journey.
I'm grateful that the Tragedy of '08 taught me some valuable lessons that I am able to implement in this tragic time. Like this blog. Like leaning into self-care in ways I didn't know how to then. Like delegating tasks/ needs from the get-go. Like releasing control moment to moment so that God can lead me. Like not looking for the answers but focusing more on just putting one foot in front of the other and breathing.
I'm going to treat myself to an Origami Owl bracelet with Dempsey's name and leukemia/ faith/ birthstone to mark this journey.
I text the following to a friend: "... I'm convinced EVERYONE should be taught Lamaze breathing because we "birth" many more things in life than just babies. That is something that is a HUGE help for Demps- and me. I have yet to collapse or pass out, though I have been close."
This is hard. I doubt. I question. Faith? What faith? God? Is there one? Then I just look at what we are putting these little bodies through and I realize, there must be a God... how could we have evolved to handle these kinds of torturous cures? My belief. Does not have to be your belief. No judgement there.
I am suddenly thankful for all sorts of things that have been on my sh** list: too much technology, lethargy, chemo, hard core antibiotics, narcotics, synthetics, dyes... I always acknowledged they had a place in this world but was doing my darndest to avoid them. Now, there is an air of "hold nothing back" when it comes to healing my baby and keeping him sane/ comfortable through this trial.
Okay, head is rather empty right now. Praise God. Love this therapy blog.
I'm out here listening. Love your presence in these brutal days.
ReplyDeleteAmen to the Lamaze thought - my thought exactly over the years.
ReplyDeleteI saw a piece just last week on a new head covering that's been invented that cools the head (and hair follicles) during chemo so people don't lose their hair! I imagine it's still in testing or not easily available, but you never know... you might ask about it.
Glad all the things you're watching are currently stable. Praying for all to improve.
Thank you Coral for sharing from your heart. You are a brave and wise woman.
ReplyDeleteAgain, I will say it... you are doing good. Even though it may not feel good. Love you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ellen. You and Jake are doing well because of who you are and because there is a huge army of prayer warriors standing with you and fighting for you. But better than all that...David expressed it the best when he said ...I look behind me and you’re there, then up ahead and you’re there, too— your reassuring presence, coming and going.
ReplyDeleteEven in your numbness, this is still true. Thank you for your tender, exposed sharing. Know you are loved,
Thank you for your tender, exposed sharing. I wish we could take this all away. Know you and the family are loved.
I have found encouragement in these words during some of my life trials. Just wanted to share. 2 Corinthians 1:3-11
ReplyDeletePraise to the God of All Comfort
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,
4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.
6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.
7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
8 We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself.
9 Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.
10 He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us,
11 as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.
Thanks for keeping us up to date. I pray and cry with you.
ReplyDelete