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Monday, January 15, 2018

God, You Are A Good God

Lord,

For the last few weeks you've really only heard me yelling. I want to apologize but you already know my heart. You know that I struggle every day in the war between my flesh and my spirit. You know that I'm physically worn out because I'm emotionally and mentally worn out... which means I'm spiritually worn out as well.

This cancer journey (and other areas of life) has me leveled. I know people see me and they see strength and wisdom and a mama bear attitude. I am thankful that I can portray those qualities but I'm really just me. Really just clammoring at anything that might help me help my boy lick this beast. I'm cramming my head so full of information chaos seems so insignificant a description.

But...

You have provided me with two clients. You have added another marathoner to our monthly support. You have given me an opportunity to work with people I have missed, people I love, my family once again - even if it's temporary. You have guided me to a church that I pray will help me heal and grow in the ways you need me to. You sent sweet words to my heart from a dear friend, who I respect deeply. You are moving in my loved ones in ways give me hope. You have provided a holistic mentor/ teacher who has even reached out to my son to connect and bring encouragement from new places. You have shown me how important simplicity is - doing things the "old fashioned way". You have reminded me how important face to face connection is and how much sweeter the relationship is with people I can go deep with, be messy with. You have pruned my friend tree and although there is pain there is also healing happening. You are allowing the seasons of my life to change and I am trying to be teachable. I am trying to force gratitude to break my selfishness into submission. I am trying to bench press positivity because anxiety has brought me low. I'm trying to exercise my voice because I feel fear has made me mute. I am trying to kick down doors within myself so the real me can feng shui energy right out of my very pores.

Help me, Lord. Help me.

I know Dempsey is thriving but every day I worry. You tell me 365 times to worry but 365 x 365 times I worry still. I know you love him more than I do but my heart is afraid of what it imagines. I am so weak. So very weak. Humanity is so frail and so many take it for granted as though they are Superman but even impervious to kryptonite. Praise be to you that they have not glimpsed or felt the fragility of human health.

I fight so hard, Lord. As hard as I can. I fight with my own strength. Forgive me. It's what I know. It's what my limited mind can comprehend. But I am broken. Leaking life day by day.

Help me, Lord. Help me.

Whisper to my heart. Hold me steady so I can't run away to control things in my own way and in my own time. Hold me until I break so that I can finally hear your words and see your path before me. Linger with me so I don't doubt. Break my walls so I can feel... even if it hurts. I spend so much effort holding back the feelings... mainly because I'm tired of feeling.

Amen

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