Procedure Day || Cycle 5: Month 1

Today marks the beginning of Cycle 5 in the Maintenance Phase of Dempsey's treatment. A phase is three months, so there are four phases in a twelve month period.
Starting this cycle:

• month one has a procedure day (needle in his chest for access, sedation, needle in his spine to inject chemotherapy into his cerebral spinal fluid)
• months two and three have a visit to OPI (OutPatient Infusion) for a needle in his chest and a short chemotherapy infusion.

If my math is correct, Dempsey goes to Cycle 11.

Remember, his treatment will not end until AUGUST 5, 2019.

That is 629 days remaining.

Dempsey will be 12 days shy of turning 8 when he's done and will have spent 1,215 days in treatment (3 yrs, 4 mos).

For more "fun" facts, see his page on Facebook.

Here are photos of this week's procedure day. Thank you for praying over him!

Driving to CHOC

Waiting to get the party started (on an empty stomach)

Post accessing (needle in his chest)

Post procedure, coming out of sedation. Mommy usually has 2 heads and 4 eyes.

The top photo popped up on my Facebook as a memory... poignant.

So, I had to do a comparison of then (6 yrs ago) and now.

My guys.

Of course Chick fil-A!

Reward for a job well done... a battle won... another feather in his cap... another box checked...

At home, after some play with Sawyer.

He and I played UNO while Daddy slept and brother listened to Burns and Allen.

I posted the following on my Facebook wall:

It is still so surreal that this is our life. Days like today, when I'm grieving other things in life, it is hard to give thanks for this journey.
I honestly don't want to give praises for a smooth journey because that still means there is a journey.
Deep down I am thankful for a smooth journey... deep down I know this is all for God's glory... but today, in this moment, I just want it to stop. I want to scoop him up and run far, far away from medical anything.
If you can relate, solidarity.
If you cannot relate, just pray for us and support us as we ask.
#cancersucks #childhoodcancer #leukemia

Each month our precious boy takes prednisone for 5 days following his CHOC appointment. Doctors say that the steroids "assist the chemo, increasing its effectiveness". I'm not sure I believe them but I have to give my boy the steroids because they are a mandatory part of treatment (at least at our hospital). It sucks. Steroids in such a tiny frame... *Lord protect my baby! Protect his precious, still-maturing organs. Guard his emotions and fill him with peace.*

I'm in a darker-than-normal place right now. Other things in life march on, change, fall apart, and cancer is overlaid atop it all. It is too much! You would think that after the success and "ease" Dempsey has had and continues to have I would have more peace. Nope. Every single time there is fear. Every single time there is the possibility of awful happening. Every single time there is anger that we have to do this- AGAIN. Every time there is the benching of my pride and ego as I ask for help- AGAIN, ask for monetary support- AGAIN, ask for prayers- AGAIN, ask for people to walk with me on this craptastic journey-AGAIN. The release comes when the procedure is done and all is "well". When we go to Chick fil-A and devour our feelings in chicken and waffle fries and watch the boys jump and climb around the PlayPlace. Sure, there's release but that also means I'm flooded with emotions.

The emotional onslaught chips away at the shell I'd been constructing and reinforcing since the last appointment. Like a hammer and chisel against a barely set piece of pottery... I crack and crumble. This time, it's even hard to pray. I'm just so weak and angry I don't want to talk to God. I don't want to be thankful. I want to be selfish and throw a tantrum- despite knowing it does no good. It may be a way to shove all the ucky feelings out of my body but it can do some real damage to those in the near vicinity. So, I try to hold it together but that has problems of its own. I get quite. I go deep inside. I withdraw. Through the darkness I try to find the thread that leads to thankfulness and gratitude. The thread is clearly frayed because I keep finding pieces of a once tight and strong strand.

Welcome to this mom's journey with childhood cancer.

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