I feel wrung out. Not a stiff part to hold me up. Each breath primes the pump of my tears. Can't put thoughts together if I had duct tape and a stapler. Watching my husband gather items and process the List... I just sit, stuck under the weight of it all. I know I shouldn't be fearful. But I am. I know I shouldn't worry. But I do. I know God is with me and loves Dempsey more than I do... but I have questions.
I prepped the vitamins and essential oils- two check marks for me. It's not enough. It never feels like enough. I made gelatin to help Dempsey swallow those damned pills. I made eggs to nourish his little body. Two more check marks. It's not enough.
My body aches. All of me aches in various ways.
I am grateful for my husband. My super-man! Grateful for my village. Grateful for the support of strangers and prayers from around the globe. Thankful for a God who is bigger than the depths of my sorrow and short-comings. Blessed by my children, who show me daily my reason for living. They teach me so much and show me how much I have yet to learn. Grateful for the words of understanding and encouragement from those people who have walked this journey before me. So hard to believe the words they share sometimes but important to internalize and hang hope on.
I don't fear change. I grieve the unmet expectations I possess. I grieve the "plans" I had and have to adjust. I grieve the life we were living. I process guilt for not having more faith and trust in the One who orchestrates my every breath and allows things to befall me in order to grow me, sanctify me. I grieve the independence I thought I cultivated all these years. I process needing people in ways I never dreamed.
I need grace. I need unconditional love. I need support. I need prayer. I need sleep.
Good night.
No comments:
Post a Comment