It's Tough

It's tough when it's bed time and the kids find ways, either consciously or subconsciously, to take a long time getting in to bed.

Tonight Dempsey had taken all of his Disney Infinity characters off their normal place and created an "army" on the floor while watching What's In The Bible?. No problem. Super cute even. He ended up having to brush his teeth a second time (because all of the sudden we have Second Dinner around here) due to drinking a pre-bed protein shake. When he came back to the living room, he started to pick up his characters of his own accord. Awesome!

Then comes the place where I fall off the rails.

He takes them one or two at a time and is now strategizing the absolute best possible placement, which requires an amount of time I find unnecessary and annoying, and then sets them just so. I tell him he needs to pick up speed. He apologizes in his sweet little Dempsey voice and kind of goes a little faster.

Of course, Sawyer comes in with something to show Dempsey which derails his putting-away process which then sends me further of the path.

I snap at Sawyer to not interrupt something Dempsey is doing... Sawyer feels bad and dejected. I emphasize to Dempsey the need for him to be even faster because, at this point, it is way passed bed time. He apologizes again but this time with tears and an attempt to explain away what he was doing. He tells me "My heart is sad because I did something wrong."

#momfail

I let out a loud sigh of frustration, pick up the last few characters, order Dempsey to sit on the couch (where he immediately picks up his blanket and gasps for air between sobs), scoop him up in my arms and sit with him on the couch.

I am mustering all my strength and humility (which isn't ever very much) and quickly analyze how badly I effed up this sweet moment. I apologize to Dempsey and get the sweetest response of "Oh, it's your fault?" I explain to him how proud I was that he started picking up his toys without being asked. How he was being so careful with them. How it was such a good thing he was doing and that I should not have rushed him. I told him how I should have helped him. I should not have yelled at him. I tried to explain that I just wanted him to do it faster because it was passed bed time... Did I really need to do that? No. Does that speak to some insecurity or failing of mine? Yes. Have I narrowed down which one? Not yet, but I plan to.

Yes, schedules are important. But lets be real, they are not the make-it-or-break parts of life. How much damage did I inflict on my boys' hearts because I wanted them to meet a deadline? I'm not sure but I know it's more than I should have. My physical pain, my emotional struggles, my psychological deficiencies are no excuse to burden the hearts of my children in this way. They didn't do anything wrong except miss the mark of my expectation for bed time. Wow. Totally not the mom I wanted to be in that moment.

Thank the Lord His grace covers my failings. I can pray that He will protect my children's hearts from my sins. I can ask him to repair the damage I inflicted and help me to own my own junk. I can ask him to help acknowledge my imperfections to my children's faces and ears so that they will know I was wrong and that it is good and right to admit when you are wrong. It's hard. It hurts. But that is where growth through grace happens and that is a beautiful reality.

This instance tonight has really opened my eyes for a time. It is my heart's request that the Holy Spirit imprint this on my mind and help me come out of this ahead with renewed appreciation for God's grace instead of behind my own walls of fear, pride, and ego.

Friends, if you messed up with someone today, I encourage you to reach out to them tomorrow and work to heal what was hurt. It will feel awkward. You will feel stupid. It's okay. THIS is the way to deeper relationships and is a Biblical principle/ spiritual discipline that we should always be working on.