Not PERFECT Results

I don't know why the Lord has left this prayer unanswered. Time will tell.

As Jake laid out in the previous post (here), today's CHOC visit did not hold within it the information we have been praying for. In fact, it had a step in the wrong direction wrapped up in it.

How am I feeling? I'm on the verge of falling apart. I'm angry. I'm hopeful. I'm pissed. I'm sad. I'm lost. I'm stretching my hand out as far as I can to touch Jesus' cloak but it feels just out of reach.

I'm convinced that if I just try harder, reach farther, believe deeper, pray more, learn new things, ask more questions... if I sleep long enough... things will be "normal". That's how it works, right? No? Well, shit.

As I sit here typing, Dempsey's new treatment plan lay open in front of me. So many numbers and letter. So many meds. So many procedures. So much I don't understand.

Why? Why, Lord?

Dr. Huynh, she's Dempsey's primary oncologist, while informing us of the results and impending plan, said "I'm not upset. I'm not scared. I've seen this before." Okay, so you've seen this before. How am I supposed to respond to that? In the pediatric cancer world my kid is "normal". I scoff. Granted, if you've seen this before and those kids are still alive... I guess I should hold onto whatever hope that factoid provides. Done.

Just when I was contemplating working again. I simply cannot with Dempsey's new plan. Next week alone holds FOUR chemo infusion days in row, another lumbar puncture, blood infusion, and platelet infusion. That's it... assuming nothing pops up or gets complicated.

The tears just welled up so fast my eyes are leaking. No dam strong enough for a mother whose baby is an oncology patient... leukemia fighter. I am overwhelmed. I'm glad God's got this because I sure don't.

Amid the meeting about Dempsey, the word "transplant" was floated. Doc mentions it as a far-out possibility and then tells us to not dwell on that. Um, gee, okay.... *constantly fighting back thoughts of what happens if a transplant fails* Thankfully we don't have to face that tomorrow. Praise God. She will still move in that direction toward the end of this phase just in case. I get it. It's best to be prepared for the worst while we hope and pray for the best. That way, should he need one, he will be on the books already. Much easier to just take him off the books than get him on.

I am scared of the side effects of these drugs. I can't even call them medicine. That seems so nice and fluffy. These are scary, scary DRUGS!! The one he'll get on Monday requires SIX HOURS of fluid flushing. Yes, folks... they want it in him and then right out. So, when we get home from that Dempsey will be chugging NeoLife Aloe Vera Plus!! If you want to bless us, BUY THAT! Fill out the Got Questions? form and let me know, then I can tell you how. Also, we're gonna need LOTS of essential oils! If you want to bless us this way, fill out the Got Questions? form and say so. I will contact you. :-) For all my friends who are already doTERRA Wellness Advocates, if you want to bless us with oils here are the ones we'll need: Frankincense, OnGuard, Myrrh, Sandalwood, Lemon, Breathe, Peppermint, Deep Blue, DigestZen, Lavender, Oregano.

God provides. He provided renewal and hope for me a few days ago... I'm choosing to believe it is HIS provision for this next phase. Read on...

Hope springs anew...
I have found a sage! Season Johnson. I'm going to stalk her. Read about her son, Kicker, and how they are fighting the bully named Cancer. Stay tuned for a post about my plan to help Dempsey be the healthiest cancer-fighter CHOC has ever seen. *spoiler alert: it's gonna look almost exactly like Season's* PRAY HARD FOLKS!!