Lord,
Your ways are not our ways.
As I tucked my babies into bed tonight, I felt such a rush of emotion. Holding back tears I laid Dempsey on his bed and pulled sheets over his little sleeping body. Thoughts of love, laughter, leukemia, reality, the very moment, how much of my heart he holds... came flooding forth. As I prayed with Sawyer, hand in hand, I could feel the eyelid dams starting to give way. This young man is an incredible gift. So full of grace, understanding, respect, hope, curiosity, humor, challenge. The words of prayer just flowed... please help us to parent him well... may he always be honest with us... continue shaping him into the Godly man you desire him to be... help us to always she who he is and not only who we would have to be... My mama heart just overflows with love and pride for this boy.
To look at sleeping faces is, for me, to see the fingerprints of God. To see my purpose in life, right there before me. I don't need to search for it. I don't need to even cultivate it. I simply need to open my eyes and follow my heart's beckoning. I was made to mother. I don't do it as well as I would hope to all the time but I do the job only I can do.
I ran into a friend at Target this morning. Divine appointment. She said something that struck a cord and has resonated with me all day... God made you who you needed to be for every situation you have faced (or will face). So true. I wasn't "ready" to have Sawyer when I did. But God said I was. Looking back, I can see how right he was. That boy has been my rock since he was born although it would take until our family's tragedy a year later to realize it. God knew it would take a few years before I was "ready" (or perhaps it was Jake who needed work... hahaha) to have a second child. I was just the mom Dempsey needed. All throughout their short lives I have been the very person they have needed for the journey God has planned for them. The guilt eases when you look at mothering this way. All the mistakes I've made, the anger I have exuded, the frustration, the grace, the hugs, the scowls, the hand holding, the long conversations, the looks, the prayers, the tears, the fears, the worry.... oh, lord, the worry... it has all been the way God knew it would be and he will make it all work out for his glory.
I have enjoyed viewing my babies as books with no words. I was to write their story until they could write it for themselves. The lessons they learn, the ideals I hope to instill, the ability to think well, the gift of living well I want to foster, and the prayers of finding Kingdom purpose throughout their lives are all things that are filling up their pages. Now, I would not have chosen a chapter in Dempsey's book called Leukemia, but there it is. Bold. Brazen. Scary. Hope-filled. We are currently assisting Dempsey in writing this chapter so there are no "spoiler alerts" to be had at present. Honestly, though, I'm eager for this chapter's end- prayerful it's a perfect resolution (healing) with no negative plot lines to pepper the rest of the book. We are learning how to fill Sawyer's chapter titled A Brother with Cancer with grace, emotional development, honing expression skills, the power of prayer, learning to look for the Kingdom perspective, and more. So, you can see that these chapters in the boys' books are gonna be page turners! No Cliff Notes in God's class.
For such a time as this... Man, that Mordecai sure was wise.
To my boys:
You have my heart. There is nothing you can do that can make me love you any less. I pray one day you will look at someone with a heart full of unconditional love and realize your Heavenly Father loves you like that... and even in a more perfect way. Your lives are not on accident, my loves. You were made to mold me, and I you, for a Kingdom purpose that will outlast us all. Please keep your eyes toward heaven, you mind in the Word, your hands assisting those around you, your feet in line with God's direction, and your mouth ever-espousing the Truth to all you meet. I don't know what God's gonna do with you and I consider myself blessed to watch Him work. I am here for you. I am here with you. I pray for you in ways you will never fully grasp. I pray for things that don't matter to you now... but they will. I also know that you are not truly mine. You belong to the Lord. He blessed me with you, gave me the responsibility of raising you, and ultimately he will call you where he wants you to go. I simply ask that you love me- faults and all. I cherish you more than you can fathom. I love you. Mom
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