Super Raw

Today has been the hardest day I've had in quite awhile. Knowing what is coming tomorrow morning, a new chemo drug and a two weeks of every day travels to CHOC OPI, my nerves have been shot. I've been angry, lonely, pissed, tired, weak, scared, worried, fear-filled, and more. My mind has been such a battleground today and I'm afraid that I didn't stand my ground as well as I should have. I'm just broken, folks. Good and broken.

This morning started out really good. I was managing to keep my cool about the coming week. Sawyer and I went to church. I was totally tracking with the message John delivered. Then came a video about a particular team of missionaries. Long story short, when their son was 9 he was diagnosed with leukemia. He ended up dying. I lost my $#!&. I broke down, into tears, in service. Thankfully my new friend Karen was there to hold me up. I just squeezed her so tight, gasping for air, and saying "I don't want that to be us!" She just squeezed me back and kept saying "I know." It really was a beautiful moment of messiness.

I shared my emotional wreckage with a few people who promised to pray (as they have been) and shared words of encouragement. I am so grateful to them. More than most, though, I am grateful to Jessica. She walked this journey with her teenaged daughter and came out victorious. I cannot explain to those who haven't walked a journey like this, just how grounding it is to reach out to someone, bare your soul, and have them say "I totally get it" and mean it. Jessica is one of those people for me. Our text exchange was just what I needed to find my footing and get through the rest of the day. I am grateful. I'm still weak but there is more strength than there was and it's because she is willing to give me a few minutes of her time, reach back to her emotions throughout her family's journey, and sit with me in the mess.

I'm still scared. I'm still worried. I'm still angry. I'm still so many things I don't want to be but I am able to not fixate so much. THAT is how I know people ARE praying for me. If they weren't, I'd be back on antidepressants.

Dempsey is, at the moment, doing GREAT! Praise be to God. Happy. Strong. Energetic. Playful. Bubbly. Bouncy. Comical. Chatty. All the things a 4 year old should be.

Prayer requests:
Please pray for Dempsey. New drugs mean new unknowns.
Pray over his body.
Pray that the drugs do what the need to do, cause no lasting damage, and his body is able to detox them out with no problems.
Pray that we will do everything we know how to do to help his body detox and heal itself.
Pray that I can look back on today and see that there was no need to worry because Dempsey is doing just fine.
Pray ahead of us.
Pray for all of us. This journey is HARD.
Pray for our support network because we need it! We need it BIG!!
Pray for solid rest.
Pray for effective distractions.
Pray against side effects.
Pray against pain.
Pray against nausea/ vomiting.
Pray that his little body handles this new regimen like a champ.
Pray for health.
Pray for healing.
Pray for miracles.
Pray as you feel led.