My baby has cancer.
I cannot believe my baby has cancer.
He's getting chemotherapy.
My baby is having toxins pumped into his body in the name of "cure".
Why is this the treatment?
Where are the natural methods?
Why don't doctors ever talk about nutrition as a component of treatment?
It is SO hard for me to trust doctors and yet, that's all I can really do right now.
I AM helping my baby with alternative methods.
I am trying to give him the best possible chance.
I am doing a good job.
It doesn't feel like enough.
It's never enough.
I should be doing more.
What more is there to do?
I'm so tired.
I'm tired of fear.
I'm tired of worry.
I know scripture tells us to not worry but come on... how can you not worry a little when you have NO CLUE what the day will hold.
I don't know how to plan emotions.
I guess you don't really plan emotions though.
They just.... happen. Willy nilly.
I don't like that.
It's not comfortable.
I've reached out to people who are helping their cancer kiddos with alternative methods while undergoing the "standard treatment" of chemotherapy.
If their kids are doing "well" then I want my kid to do "well" also.
It is so hard to live with a child whose emotions are roller coaster-like.
It's hard to watch him struggle with his emotions and lack of words.
It's hard to watch his hair fall out strand by strand.
His hair will be gone soon enough.
It grows back.
It doesn't make the losing of it easier.
In just want to cry.
Then my eyes will get puffy and my nose stuffy.
Yeah, it releases something but then I have to deal with puffy and stuffy.
Meh.
My body hurts.
I haven't slept well for two nights.
Crappy neighbors one night and an overactive mind the next.
I need a massage.
It's so hard to schedule/ plan things... never know how Dempsey's gonna do.
It's hard to have people come over.
I'm grateful that those that do come over are willing to shower and put on fresh clothes before their visit and then use the sanitizer we have.
I want our life back.
I resent cancer.
It has overtaken our life.
Nothing is easy any more.
Everything must be calculated.
Yes, we went to the beach.
It was good.
Dempsey threw up that night.
Unrelated, I believe.
I hate watching him throw up.
The smell....!!
His poor body.
His poor little boy heart.
Why is this happening to him?
I thought we were doing things right.
Does it even matter?
Of course it matters!
We must keep doing things right... that's what gives Dempsey they upper hand against this leukemia.
Treatment is so scary.
I'm still not recovered from his allergic reaction last week.
He is... mostly.
He had labs this morning.
"Easy" appointment but he had some anxiety because the last time his was there he had a terrifying experience.
I pray there aren't any more terrifying experiences... I hear they are likely to happen though.
How do you prepare for that?
I mean, really, how do you prepare for that?!
Until you live this, or something like it, you will never know how hard it is to function when your nerves that are already raw remain on high alert.
I am grateful for prayer.
I am grateful that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of people praying for us.
I try to reframe my perspective.
That gets tiring.
It's such a tightrope act.
I feel so lost.
I had direction for my life just 3 short months ago.
Now, someone turned the snow globe of my life upside down and is still shaking the contents violently.
I just want them to set it back down and let the contents settle.
Calm.
Predictable.
I'm sure that's anti-spiritual... desiring calm and predictable.
Sure limits the Holy Spirit.
I'm okay with that right now.
I just want to rest.
I want to sleep for 3 yrs and wake up when this nightmare is over.
Then I feel guilty for that.
Guilty about me wanting to leave Dempsey to deal with this without me.
Weakness.
How unfair is this?
What did he do that this should happen to him?
What are we all supposed to learn?
Can we learn it faster?
I try so hard to live in the NOW.
It's hard when I'm so tired.
I don't have the strength to stop the fearful thoughts.
Depression looms in the distance like a leopard waiting the chance to pounce.
I sense it.
It's familiar.
The predator is not welcome here.
As I type, Dempsey is playing wii.
So much technology.
I used to care.
Then he got cancer.
Now he's trapped indoors until his numbers are "safe".
What the hell does that mean anyway?
Safe?
Can you be truly safe when your own body is trying to kill you?
That's what happening.
His body is producing cancer cells- in his very marrow!
Where is our miracle?
Healing.
THAT is what we want.
THAT is what we need.
I'm sure God understands our short-sighted goals.
It's hard to be home so much.
I'm an extrovert.
I don't have a steady job anymore.
That's hard.
Yes, I have NeoLife and doTERRA.
I am grateful.
I am able to still tithe because of them- which is important to me.
But those require too much of me to build during this season.
Thankful that some structure is already in place.
Love my teams.
So much information to sift through.
Nutrition.
Oils.
Castor oil packs.
Bone broth.
Exercise.
Supplements.
Drugs.
Three years of a cancer journey.
Trying to hold onto the fact that this "will end" one day.
They tell me "He will be healthy again."
So hard to believe when trudging through the sludge that is my child having leukemia.
New friends who get it.
Old friends who don't but want to love us through this.
Priceless.
Purpose.
There IS a purpose.
I don't know what it is.
Maybe there's more than one.
Who cares.
I just want Dempsey healed!!
Why can't I fix him?
So many thoughts.
Even more emotions.
Such a scary, terrifying path.
I was so arrogant.
Now, seriously humbled.
The tears need to come again.
They aren't quite ready.
I'm tired.
Still so tired.
I miss the way life was.
I can't carry anyone today.
I can't reassure anyone today.
I just don't have it.
I do love you (readers).
I do need you.
I do value you.
I am grateful for you.
Be blessed, friends.
<3
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