Hard & Beautiful

Dearest Supporters...

It is hard. This journey is hard. It's hard to be the one to give your child chemotherapy pills at home on the weekdays. It's hard to know there is even an orange prescription bottle in your home with the word CHEMOTHERAPY on it. It's disgusting and appauling on so many levels (to me). Alas, this is the journey we are currently on. Try living with this: we will have to give him chemo until August of 2019. Yes, 2-0-1-9.

Most days I can just roll with it. Recenlty, I appear to roll with it while it eats away at me on the inside. As a holistic nutritionist and person who has deep trust issues with the medical community, this journey is challenging me on many, MANY fronts.

I think I am still emotionally wrung out from the recent in-patient stay at CHOC with Dempsey. It is a physical paradox. On one hand, the extrovert in me LOVES being there. I can see a ripe mission field that desperately needs the messages I have to share. Dempsey shines so bright on that floor! The medical staff love him/ us. Dempsey handles treatment with flying colors and the most awesomest of attitudes. On the other hand, the moment I walk into Dempsey's room I feel all the energy leave me. I wrestle with depression, anger, fear, resentment, discontentedness, confusion, bewilderment, disbelief, denial, stress, and fatigue. So, I am getting better at taking Dempsey OUT of his room to be social or just seemingly more free. But how free can one be when they are connected to a "power tower" of high dose chemotherapy and/or hydration fluids?

I know, I should be grateful that our Dempsey is doing so well. No shit. I am grateful for that. However, his success isn't a walk in the park. It's hard. It's a constant fight. It's exhausting diligence. It's worth it. It grows my influencial platform. It is beautiful. It is HARD. Did I mention that already? Do you have any idea how hard it is to deny yourself things you never gave a second thought before? Some of you do, I'm sure. It sucks. It's hard to constantly have to say "no" to things that most of the world takes for granted. Park play. Impromptu playdates. Public restaurants. Public places in general. The movie theater. Neighbors. Even extended family gatherings are off the table for now. It sucks. I am really tired of saying "no" and making it sound like the best answer in the world. It is exhausting.

Dempsey is phenomenal. He doesn't fight us on anything. I know his little kid heart is worn out. I can see the toll this journey is taking when he falls apart over the smallest of things. But see, the small things are big now. Seemingly insignificant things have been magnified like you cannot believe. The good... and the bad. The drugs wear on him. His little body has had to fight so much for what seems like a lifetime (although it's only been almost 5 months).

Dempsey is obedient. Thoughtful. Kind. Loving. Funny. A jokester. Inquisitive. Cautious. Energetic. A runner. An outdoorsy male. A lover of laughter. Generous. Lonely. Playful. Gentle. Fragile. Tenderhearted. Helpful. Smart. And a bajillion other adjectives. He is eager to help me make his smoothies or the scrambled eggs he enjoys so much. He is willing to step up and do whatever task I ask of him. He has perfect manners. When he says "Mom, you know what?" and I respond "What?" He tells me "I love you." Sometimes it's "I love you a million." A million what, I don't know, but who cares! He loves me a million!!

I know I share a lot of wonderful photos. Honestly, most of what goes on outwardly is wonderful around here. Praise God for that. I just don't have my phone handy to snap those not-great moments when I'm trying to calm Dempsey down from an emotional speed bump over some miscommunication with me. Or when he's crying because he dropped his shake cup and got a little (like tiny) amount of shake on himself. See, when this happens, he says things like "I'm never going to do that again!" or "I'm sorry, I made a mistake." But he's saying these things through tears. His sweet little face red, eyes leaking, chest gasping for air. Those are photos I don't take because I'm too busy being the Consoler, being mom. But these are moments that are very real and very hard to reconcile. My sweet baby being so hard on himself over the nothings in life. We chalk it up to the meds and the cancer... but it is hard to truly believe that we did not condition him in some way.

Tonight I just stared at him. Sitting at his Spider Man table, alone, engrosed in Cinderella while eating his organic strawberry slices and organic Simply Clusters (fruit, nut, seed). Hand from plate to mouth. I just watched his little lips work with his little tongue in his little mouth to chew those items and nourish his little body. I stared at the outline of his face. Examining his hair, his forehead, his luscious eye lashes that guard his ocean-blue eyes, his McKenzie nose, his perfect lips, his McKenzie dimpled chin. I just looked at this precious child. I savoured each second of my gazing. He is beautiful. He is mine. He is sick (I will use this phrase until treatment is complete). He is fighting. He is worth it. He has a BIG story to tell. He is part of God's redemption story.

It is too much, people. My heart just cannot stand the beauty and the pain. No apologies.

I know he looks strong. In many ways he is. Praise God. But he is still a child. He is still growing and learning and succeeding and failing. He is a magical human being with God's fingerprints all over him. Everywhere he goes he leaves a trail of supernatural dust behind and if you follow it you will end up at the Creator's feet. Everything Dempsey is and everything Dempsey is going through is all for the glory of God. THAT is why we do what we do. THAT is why we work so hard to keep a right perspective. THAT is why we cannot just walk away. THAT is why we willingly suit up to face the shit that has hit our life's fan. THAT is why we share what we're doing with Dempsey on the home front (prayer, nutrition, essential oils, etc). THAT is why I am not shy about sharing Demspey's story. Because Dempsey's story IS God's story. God knew this was coming when he wove Demps together in my womb. God knew what tools we were going to need to get Dempsey through this journey successfully. God knew that we would be exactly where we are. God knew. God also thought Jake and I were the right parents to walk Dempsey through this journey. And what better brother for Dempsey than Sawyer? None! Not one better.

I'm tired. I need a break. But there is no break. Even when this journey is in the past it will linger on. Deep, or not so deep, inside me. A pin forever dropped in this part of my life and mind. PTSD is real. We are not even "post" this journey and it has arrived, for me at least. Like tonight, I'm IN IT. Sitting with the muck and mire of this journey and all the icky feels that come with it. Yet, I can see the beauty. I can see the blessings. I am just as overwhelmed by the grace and gloriousness of the things I get to do and say because of this journey and the people I get to meet. That is almost too much to bear. I don't feel worthy of the awesomeness that is unfolding. Like I've said before, to whom much is given, much is expected... this does not just mean the "good" much. It means the crappy "much" too. In my post titled Luke 12:48 I explain my thoughts in more detail. It's a good read. Thought-provoking.

Well, I think I'm out of thoughts right now, friends. I hope this post has done some good. If nothing else, you know better how to pray for me/ us. Nothing is wasted if prayer is involved.

Blessings upon you all!

Prayer requests:
Pray for miracles
Pray for peace
Pray for rest
Pray for health
Pray for wisdom
Pray for joy
Pray for contentment
Pray for acceptance (but just enough... don't want to get lazy)
Pray for balanced emotions
Pray for honesty
Pray for grace and mercy
Pray protection over Dempsey, Sawyer, Jake, and myself
Pray for our marriage (it is strong and we owe that to those who are praying for it)
Pray for a clear purpose
Pray for courage to speak
Pray for boldness
Pray that I will heed the Spirit's leading and sow where he has tilled
Pray for seeds to grow
Pray for intentionality
Pray for Dempsey's story to spread and encourage people
Pray for my upcoming speaking engagement (late October)
Pray as you feel led