In The Moment

Originally I was planning to title this post something to the tune of TERRIFYING or  The Day That Was Good Then REALLY Bad Then Good Again...

As I cleaned the Vitamix after fixing Dempsey's nutrition-packed smoothie, the current title hit me. I had this epiphany about moment-to-moment living. So, here it goes...

Today started earlier than most for me. Alarm sounding at 6:45am but only after natures alarm, in the shape of a bird, sounded repeatedly starting at 5:45am. Lovely. I rose with the knowledge that the morning meant Dempsey couldn't eat (he was NPO for his lumber puncture procedure), he had a procedure, and he had infusions of two separate drugs. We left for CHOC's OPI at 7:45 and arrived early and in one piece. Praise God. We checked in and after his standard measurements we were escorted to his procedure room.

The anesthesia and procedure went off without a hitch. This is the usual reality for Dempsey. Praise God. The vincristine infusion was up next and went smoothly. Praise God. Then it was time for the PEG infusion. Aaaannnnndddd this is where the day went off the rails.

NeoLife protein shake.

Just a few minutes later the day would darken...

Dempsey's face turned a shade of raspberry that is not normal. He started scratching and grabbing at his neck. When I asked if he was okay he said he was but I could tell he wasn't. I started getting concerned. I pressed him again about what he was feeling and he told me "It's burning and hurting really bad!" Then his tears came. I kept telling him "Breathe in.... and out.... breathe in.... and out." He did, through tears and fear. As I watched his face, the area underneath his eyes looked as though it was starting to blister from the inside out. The nurse, Hazel, was ON IT and was already in the process of drawing out what was already in his line and then administering Benadryl and hydrocortisone through his IV. It didn't take long at all for those antihistamines to kick in. Praise God. But I was done for. The adrenaline had been released and there was no one to suck that back out of me and give me anything to bring me down. Dempsey's internal pain subsided. He began to relax and show interest in his iphone games again. His eyelids started getting heavy, thanks to the Benadryl. As he gave in to the drowsiness, I surveyed the first really negative side effects that he has experienced since starting this journey. Just to impress upon you the significance of this particular situation, this is what happened: burning sensation, flushed face, hives, blisters (2 under the adhesive from his access covering), swelling of his ear (huge), swelling of his upper cheeks, swelling of his upper lip. It took hours for all the swelling to subside. I cried as I watched him in his Benadryl-induced rest.

Please tell me you can see how he doesn't look like himself.

When he woke from his antihistamine slumber, he had to go #2. I made sure he could stand and that he wasn't drowsy. He then led the way to the restroom to handle his #2 business. It was wonderful to watch him do this whole thing with zero trouble. Praise God. (Even as I write this, my body recalls the adrenaline sensations...) On our way back to his room, nurse Dana met us and escorted us. She paged the uppers to get permission to de-access Dempsey so we could go home. We were released rather quickly with everyone signing off on his blood pressure, oxygen levels, heart rate, physical appearance, and overall demeanor. Y'all, I really wanted to just go home... even if it was to a false sense of security.

So, back to the title of this post. Being "in the moment" gives my emotions the chance to BE. Emotions are vital for living wholistically. Yes, I meant that with the "w". Emotions are a part of the whole me. Even the emotions that are scary and ugly... they deserve the right to exist too. God wired us with them and they serve a purpose. I try to lean into them when they pop up. I hear it's healthy to do that. (Thank you Dr Dani.) Plus, feeling those yucky emotions makes feeling their counterparts even more special. Keep reading.

We picked up substandard (don't judge) but purpose-fulfilling food on the way to my parent's house. Sawyer had been with them since Jake went to work. Praise God. After eating, Dempsey commenced playing wii with Sawyer. Their giggling and bickering was therapy for each of us. Dempsey was more his "normal" self with each passing moment. Me? I was still feeling the effects of adrenaline. The boys and I left for home a bit later and our wii got a workout. Dinner was delivered by Lascari's thanks to generous friends via Meal Train. Jake got home a short time later. Praise God.

After dinner, there was more wii, family bike/ trike riding (around our hood twice!), outside Star Wars play with brother, bath time, and currently an episode of What's in the Bible?. So many "normal" sounds!! Praise God. During the outside play and bike riding, Dempsey was RUNNING back and forth on our cul de sac. It was awesome! Praise God!!!!!!

I sure hope this video plays for you.

Revisiting the title of this post, again. See, the precious moments of family time and watching Dempsey enjoy life are sweeter having just been sent through the wringer a few hours ago. It goes to show just how quickly life can change: for better or for worse. If I chose to dwell in the past (when Dempsey was healthy) I would be depressed every minute of every day that he has leukemia. If I chose to dwell in the future (when Dempsey will be healthy again and leukemia free) I would be depressed every minute of every day that I wake up and Dempsey has leukemia. As I choose to live IN the present, I experience a myriad of emotions. High highs and low lows. Each day is a potential emotional roller coaster. Each day is Schrödinger's Cat (Google it). Each day is a gift from God. When I choose to live IN the present it is easy to find joy and beauty amid the scary.

After reading about #KatheringTheBrave, a sweet girl who lost her war with cancer this week, I have NO EXCUSE/ right to take any moment of Dempsey's life (or any life) for granted or be angry at setbacks. Why not? Coral, your child has cancer! You have the right to be angry and scared! Okay, yes, my baby has cancer. BUT his cancer has a very good prognosis. Even if this journey takes him down the "very high risk" road, he still has 80% or greater success rate. That's a global statistic. Poor Katherine the Brave never had those odds. She was in need of a miracle from the get-go. This is not Dempsey's journey. Yes, Dempsey's journey is still very scary and wrought with hand-wringing moments... but he's ALIVE! He's breathing. He's fighting. He's living. Most of the time he's even thriving. Y'all, THAT is what I need to focus on. I will not let the enemy derail me from the present. Be warned, though, the present may mean LOTS of tears, puffy eyes, curse words, short fuses, head shaking, shoulder shrugging, sideways smirks, and pleas for prayer while praying myself. It's ugly. It should be ugly because cancer is ugly. Also, pretty/ easy doesn't bring sanctification.

God is good. He is faithful. He is with us. He has a purpose for all of this. He didn't choose this for Dempsey. He allowed it to happen. He will bring us through this. I pray that I will always hold on to these truths. I pray that I can lean into HIM who created everything... who holds it all together. I pray that I can bring him glory with each session of praise or pleading. I pray that I will always be real- even when it's ugly or uncomfortable. I pray that I will always look for the Kingdom perspective. I pray that I will leave a Kingdom legacy that outlives my grandchildren's grandchildren. Maybe I should add some clarifiers to that last one... whatchya think?

Prayer requests:

Pray for miraculous healing

Pray for strength (of all kinds)

Pray for courage

Pray for faith

Pray for wisdom

Pray for alternative health guidance and applications

Pray for purpose to be revealed

Pray for ability to live IN the present

Pray over our marriage

Pray protection over Sawyer and Dempsey

Pray that the enemy never gains a foothold

Pray protection over our house

Pray for clarity of mind

Pray for clear markers along God's path

Pray for divine appointments

Pray for our support structure

Pray that finances fall into place all along the way

Pray for restoration, renewal, appropriate pruning

Pray that we can articulate our concerns and desires to the doctors

Pray for our medical staff, their lives, their families

Pray for other families afflicted with cancer

Pray as you feel led