Some thoughts from a mother, a woman, a broken human on a journey of sanctification (which is more acutely focused since leukemia entered her world)...
I've been a Christian a long time, most of my almost-37 yrs. My faith has grown since marriage, motherhood, and it took an exponential leap upward with Dempseys leukemia diagnosis.
Yet, I still feel like a prodigal child. I still find myself filling with hate... anger... judgement... and a host of other not-very-pretty characteristics. When I take a moment to survey my surroundings, as I notice my joy levels diminishing, I often find that I have wandered off the Path. I have wandered outside of my Father's protection. I find myself standing in the scorching rays of my self-sufficiency, slathered in layers of control instead of surrender.
I blame the PTSD and the myriad of external triggers I cannot control but that only takes me so far. At some point I have to acknowledge the sinner within... the one who is prone to wander... the need to control what I swore to just leave at the Cross.
I hate that my sin nature is as strong as it is. I feel so weak so often. I had no clue how broken I was/ am. So thankful for Jesus blood and a God who can still use this broken vessel to advance HIS kingdom and spread love... even if it's in smaller doses than I'd like.
Because I'm so broken and I've seen so many valleys, I am increasingly grateful for the Cross. Grateful for Jesus' complete and total obedience. Why can't I wake up and surrender my days to that reality? Why is it so hard to just REST in the Lord? Why can't I completely trust Him and His plan? Why do I feel like I need to be a more of a celebrity in my life than a humble servant?
Man! I am excited about moving to a new place. There is something about new that holds so much potential and promise. I am hoping to be more intentional about so many things when we are settled in our new environment.
Thank you for reading.
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