We said we were ready.
We were not ready.
This is hard.
Emotionally.
Mentally.
Physically.
Parentally.
Every photo I take after this point is me grasping at hairs (not straws)... trying to hold onto them as long as possible. No, it's not because they represent his identity...
scroll on to see what I'm talking about.
In just two days he has lost handfuls of hair. Is he less than now? NO! If anything he is more. He is more courageous. He is growing more character. He is expressing more. Feeling more. Learning more. (**He just called out to me and said "That was a great salad, Mom.") He is so much more than his red hair!!
As each strand falls from his scalp I am reminded of what Scripture tells us. In Matthew 10 it says:
And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
The Lord tells us we are precious to Him. So precious, in fact, that he knows the number of hairs on our head. This means he knows what happens to those hairs and he cares so very deeply for the head those hairs belong to.
My precious boy is no different. God loves him and knows better what is happening to him (and why) than we could ever grasp. I find peace in that although comfort comes and goes.
So, why, then, is it so cotton-pickin' hard (I would usually use stronger language here) to watch as his hair falls out strand by strand... batch by batch?
BECAUSE IT SYMBOLIZES FAILURE TO ME.
I know this is irrational! I know I did NOT fail my son!
And yet, as his mama I feel it is my job to protect him absolutely. Something that I will never be able to do... yet I feel it is my job. If I cannot keep those hairs on his head then I have failed.
Don't bother trying to make this feel better by saying "You didn't fail him, Coral." I know, in my heart of hearts, that I did nothing wrong. Every other aspect of this child screams HEALTH and VITALITY. I AM/ WE ARE doing an awesome job. That isn't pride speaking... it's reality. It is hard. It is a worthy job. The Lord is providing for me in ways I never knew I needed. It is beautiful. Am I 100% successful? No. But you know what? That was never going to happen... is never going to happen. That's a number only God can reach. And praise him for reaching it always, without fail!!!
A super sweet, lovely young lady I've never met but feel super connected to, commented the following on my Facebook:
💔 agh. I'm a natural red head too. ( I say strawberry blonde tho lol) but like you posted and like I've learned... it is not our identity ❤ I'm not going to sugar coat this one because quite honestly I'm still dealing with accepting my short hair, but please know I will pray for your strength. My mom seemed to be more emotional about the initial hair loss phase than I was. If there's any light from my hair loss experience it was that I DIDNT LOSE IT ALL! ❤ there is hope! * big hug * ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Here was my response:
you bless me. No sugar-coating necessary girl! This is all part and parcel of this cancer journey. It is a bit harder, I think, for us mamas because we work so hard to keep our babies (even adult ones) safe and watching the strands of hair shimmering in our hands instead of on the heads they belong to signifies an aspect of failure on our part. Yes, it is imagined failure- we didn't fail- but it feels very real. I think of you often and pray over you, friend I've never met. ❤🙏😘
Even now, my Dempsey-boy is playing wii and yelling at the TV. It's glorious!!! He is still a goofball. He still runs. He still fights with his brother. He is still thoughtful beyond belief. He still feels/ loves deeply. He is strong. Happy. Vibrant. He occasionally asks, "How many more days until my port is out?" It's still hard to answer him with "Over a thousand, baby."
I work HARD to keep communication open- positive and negative. I need my boys to KNOW that I am a SAFE place for them to learn and grow in expressing themselves. My Sawyer has felt so safe he has told me, tears streaming down his face, "I hate you right now, Mom." I can receive that. I remember hating my parents too. Every kid does. Allowing them that freedom and safety allows for me to open up dialog and discussion where they can flesh out their feelings. It really is special... even when it's painful. This scenario is the same with Dempsey. Every time I brush his hair, run my fingers through it, brush off the fallen strands from his shoulders, or grip gently to remove the strands that have let go... I show him the hairs and give him a chance to dialog about it. Most of the time it's "Oh, that's a lot of hair." He is not scared by it. Since he still has red on his head I think he is just baffled at the amount of hair he's lost and how much he still has left. I'm sure he is processing all of this.
Jake and I keep reminding him that this is OKAY. This is part of the process and caused by his treatment. We shrug our shoulders and say things like "Eh, it's just hair and we know it will grow back" with smiles on our faces, joviality it in our tones, and resignation in our hearts. We try to make it a light topic so as not to evoke fear, yet give it enough space and time in our conversations to convey the notion that it is a very real thing to have feelings about. Feelings worth sharing. Tonight at dinner we were even talking about potential costumes Dempsey could wear with a bald head. We came up with: Mr Freeze, Lex Luthor, Captain Picard, & Professor X. Have any to add?
Please keep us in prayer. You have been so faithful with that so far. We are deeply gratfeul. We sense your prayers and the presence of God in our journey.
WE LOVE AND VALUE YOU!!
My website
is a GREAT thing to share with people in any stage of a cancer journey!
NeoLife Rally
If you are curious about learning more about the supplements we KNOW are keeping Dempsey stronger than other cancer kiddos you have the opportunity in January at the corporate rally events!!
I only have 8 tickets left for the west coast rally!
You want one? Comment on this post. First come, first served.
January 14th 2017 9am-5pm || I need to figure out lunch plans.
As always, this link shares practical ways you can help.
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