EPIC Emotional Roller Coaster

Y'all... for reals... grab your favorite warm beverage in your favorite mug and tissues, lots of tissues. I am about to unload into the post the EPIC emotional roller coaster that has been the last week+.

Let me walk you back to last weekend. The lows of those two days did not make it onto the blog. Why? Because there are just sometimes when I don't want Dempsey's blog, which was created to be a place dedicated to memory-catching, to be where I expose the deep, dark places inside me. That's what last weekend was. Deep. Dark. Broken. Painful. Sanctifying.

Here's the Reader's Digest version:
I'm a loud bleacher mom. Yes, I'm that mom. Sawyer literally cannot handle it. It confuses his "authority" focus. I get it. So, in an effort to honor my son, I skipped several games because that was easier (surprisingly) than keeping my trap shut during the game (#momfail). Saturday was the last game of the season and our whole family went. We knew Dempsey wasn't going to make it through the game so Jake would stay and Demps and I would walk to the playground and play. That is what we did.

On the playground Dempsey was having a "chemotion" problem. He was extra sensitive and something I did unintentionally scared him. He yelled at me and I barked back. Not my finest hour but, honestly, chemotions take a toll on EVERYONE in the family and apparently my last nerve was exposed. Tears came (Dempsey).

Tears came for me, and wouldn't stop, while sitting on the play ground bench. Why? Because my sweet friend sent me a sweet and thoughtful text with a video attachment. Want to venture a guess what the video showed? Brace yourself... it was a video of Sawyer scoring his ONLY goal of the season in the LAST game of the season and I was NOT in the stands to see it or cheer him on. I will not take you splunking to find where my mommy heart was in that moment. Suffice it to say it was gasping for air and flailing to find joy for my son's amazing accomplishment.

It was hard to exist that day.

Sunday was full of more emotions. The kind that come when you made a decision based on hours, days, weeks, months, and years of learning who your children are only to have someone question that decision. Granted, this person was under stress and their life was made more difficult by my decision and a facet of that decision not working like I thought. Ego was kicked in the gut. Guilt came like a waterfall. Self esteem caught the last train out and the dam was released through my tear ducts. It was an "ugly cry" time... for a long time... Ever wanted the earth to just swallow you up? Yeah, that was a day for that if ever there was one.

The weekend spilled into the week and the next weekend. Wave after wave of emotional hip checking. The Lord was emptying me beyond the "E" I recognized. So empty that Sawyer was in tears because he was worried about me and his dad. He just wanted us to be okay. THAT is how empty I was... I couldn't even disguise my struggle. I've never said "It has nothing to do with you" more in a single week. But it was true. This wasn't about Sawyer, it was about me and my baggage.

Fast forward to last night. I typed a much-needed email full of apology. Sincere and two dimentional. No chance of starting an awkward conversation only to see a facial expression I don't like and shut it all down. It needed to be said... and it was.

Enter vulnerability.

Today I looked at finances and the stash of NEOLIFE products we use for Dempsey's supplement regimen. Both were LOW. *sad face* So many feels. I was overwhelmed... and not in a good way. I have been struggling to even know what to cry out to God for! I rest in the fact that God knows what I need even when I don't. I am grateful for that truth.

Later, a sweet, sweet friend cautiously shared some big news with me. Again, so many feels. They informed me in such a way that shows me I am really known by them. A gentle message of care, concern, acknolwedgment, and news. I rejoice with them and at the same time a feel a dagger twist in my heart. See, I'm still grieving so many things that I feel this journey has stolen from me. Grieving... a continual process with no set pattern or explanation. This was a sweetbitter (not bittersweet because the good comes before the bad) exchange of information.

We went to Costco as a family. Saw a few familiar faces and dozens of unfamiliar ones. At the check out counter the checker started scanning our groceries as if they belonged to the lovely lady in front of us. She quickly caught the error and removed our items from the lady's groceries. Problem solved. Remember this for later.

After we unloaded and put away the Costco haul, Sawyer and I went to NOMIN Organics- our new favorite local organic store. While there I met Thelma. What is so special about Thelma? Well, I firmly believe God sent her to me as a sort of rescue. She was chatty/ social and an absolute joy to talk to. Oh, and she happens to be deaf. I noticed when she didn't understand something Sawyer said. I started signing and she lit up. God took me so far out of MY world and placed me in a world that has been imprinted on my heart, and here was this beautiful woman. I had forgotten how beautiful talking with hands is! It was incredible to show Sawyer a joining of worlds he hasn't witnessed since his Auntie Tabitha, Uncle Jason, and Jaylynne moved several years ago. Thelma kept commenting on how smart Sawyer is... how kind... how dissimilar he is to many of the kids she knows. I was loving the way she just shared and shared and let me into her life so willingly. She is a new Christian and was joyous to learn that we are Christian too. The whole encounter wreaked of the Holy Spirit... and I needed that.

When I got home I posted on social media that our family has a need for nutritionals for Dempsey. I shared the need and a few ways to fill the need. I admitted that I have a nasty habit of putting God in a box and limiting his power. It was hard to ask for help... because I have an ego and independent pride. Dempsey, though, is worth benching my pride! A couple people responded telling me my post was an answer to THEIR prayers today and confirmation that that nudge was, in fact, from the Holy Spirit. How incredible is that? Me benching my pride, being vulnerable, and sharing a need was God's way of communicating with other people. Only in God's economy!!! The Body of Christ is amazing and the Holy Spirit never sleeps.

So, remember that lovely lady in front of us at Costco. Turns out she recognized our family. How do I know this? She, and her husband, showed up at our house!!! She introduced herself and explained where she saw me earlier that day. Since I don't know her I was quite curious how she knew where I lived. Then I saw her husband. I vaguely recognized him but had a peace about this whole encounter. The woman went on to explain that the Holy Spirit nudged her to pay for our groceries at Costco but she missed the boat. I called Jake to join this conversation since he knows the husband. She relayed her story. She got home, told her husband, and was so unsettled that she missed the boat. He told her "Well, lets go over there right now!" So, they did. She apologized for dropping the ball... I just hugged her. What else could I do? She handed me an envelope with money to help cover our groceries. Jake hugged the husband. We were both so shocked and wonderfully undone.

You guys!! Are you reading this?!?! Are you seeing God's fingerprints? Are you seeing how God is in it ALL? If you're not, start at the beginning and read again. This isn't even all of the details. Some information is just not for a blog. Rest assured, there are more details that would make this post EVEN MORE EPIC. Is all the pain, heartache, and struggle gone? CERTAINLY NOT! But God has afforded me enough care and concern from members of the Body that I can lick my wounds and carry on... determined to drag my sorry, sanctifying behind across the next goal line.

God bless you for your prayers and support (of various kinds)!!!

Here are the ways I shared for people to help/ bless us:
PayPal.me/CoralKenagy & http://shopneolife.com/CoralKenagy