Tears Streaming

Ever been caught off guard by your own emotions? I have. Just now. So strange how they can be inside you, created by you, and you can't see them coming or stop them from coming.

My best friend and her husband dropped by this evening. It's been too long since we've seen them. It was a good visit, but always too short. Thankfully they live here now. Anyway, among the reasons for their visit was a drop off. Carisa had stopped by WACC to drop of those orange bracelets and was given gifts of love to bring to us.

I just got finished opening the small envelopes overflowing with great love. As I was reading the cards with hand written notes of love, encouragement, scripture... my eyes began to leak. Then I found my self quietly gasping for air.

I was undone. My emotions had found the weak point and busted through like a tornado.

I just sat there. Holding the cards. Looking at the gift cards, the money, the gifts... I was (am) overwhelmed. I sat there thinking we don't deserve this. I had other thoughts similar to people really love us this much?

The flip side of these thoughts is yes, people DO love us this much! There is evidence all around us of that fact.

What do you do with the desire to repay, thank, hug, make lavish promises to people who have blessed you so? I want to say I'll pay you back... or I'll be there for you should you ever need something. I pray that no one ever needs me like I need them right now. Not because I'm selfish and don't want to give or bless... but because it would mean they were going through something so awful and so much bigger than they ever imagined. I would not wish that upon anyone.

So, I cry.

I cry because I'm loved unconditionally... by humans. These humans are living testimonies of God's love for his creation. These humans are proof of good in this world... the kind of good that I believe God intended the world to be filled with. The kind of good that has no explanation. I cry because there is no way to repay this kind of kindness. That is also not the point. Repayment. There are no strings attached to these gifts of love. There is only support and go get 'em encouragement. I cry because the generosity hits in the recesses of my imagination. I never imagined I could ever need such generosity. But, here I sit, needing it. Needing it bad. And it shows up. Daily.

I cry for sad reasons too. My baby is sick. Really sick. I cry because his cheeks and belly are so bloated. He hardly resembles my Dempsey. I cry because it terrifies me that in order to get him well again we have to pump him full of such toxic substances. I'm scared folks. I cry because there is nothing I can do. I cannot make him well. I cannot heal him. I cannot plan how to make him well. I know next to nothing about his treatment. I cry because trusting doctors is hard for me. I cry because some prayers are going unanswered. I cry because I feel weak. I cry because I don't want my Sawyer to feel lost in all of this. I cry because I don't know how to plan a birthday for Sawyer in a life stage that is so not conducive to party-throwing. I cry because I miss normal. I miss the way it was. I miss taking life a little for granted. I cry because I have to use finger quotes when I say things like "healthy", "fine", "normal", "good", "strong", and many more. I cry because I'm overwhelmed. Life keeps going. Responsibilities are still ever-present. We have to adult (be grown ups). We still have to pay pills... parent... keep up the house... do laundry... do dishes... care for cats... teach/ school... grocery shop. We still have to LIVE on top of ferrying Dempsey to so many doctors, clinic visits, physical therapy sessions, procedures... not to mention loving him and encouraging him to fight through pain and a new normal that is mind-boggling. I cry because sometimes I don't believe everything is going to be all right. I know I'm not supposed to worry. I know that most children with Dempsey's diagnosis are perfectly healthy after treatment with no complications or resurgence. I know there is hope. I know there is a grander plan. Sometimes I just can't see beyond the fog of fear and feeling helpless.

I don't share this for pity. I share this to be real. Honest. Raw. I share this so you will know exactly how to pray. Exactly how you might support- whatever your ability. I share this as therapy for myself. I share this so that you might catch a glimpse of what this journey is like for those families suffering and trudging through it. I share so you can see I don't have it all together and perhaps I don't posses the strength it appears I do. I share it because I don't know what else to do with it.


Lord in Heaven,
Please heal my baby. From the red hairs on his head to the still-small toes on his feet... wipe this leukemia away. You still work miracles. I want one. I have no right to ask except that you tell me to. I have sought your Kingdom and I see it clearer than I ever have before. Bless those who have blessed us. Multiply your provision for their needs. I am not so foolish as to believe others are not struggling while we are struggling. Strife is all around. I pray that you calm the storms in all our lives, allow us to find footing on the Rock. Let us catch our breath so that we might be able to stand and fight another day, Lord. Again, I beg of you, please heal my baby.
With a desperate faith,
Me